Boundaries In My Personal Life

Helping a friend is a uniquely difficult form of advocacy.

Of course, other assistance has its own difficulties. It’s very hard sometimes to sit with a sexual assault survivor while he/she is in the hospital and to never hear anything further on his/her recovery. There are times when it is extremely frustrating to spend your time lobbying for a change in law only to be crushed when your pet bill is rejected. I’ve personally found myself feeling sad and disappointed when a client has returned to emergency shelter for the second or third time, which fortunately isn’t that common, but which is still extremely sad.

When the recipient of advocacy is a friend additional challenges arise. You don’t have the luxury of professional distance. In most cases, shelters and hotlines provide extremely detailed guidelines on boundaries and acceptable language, roles, and even working hours. (I have more than once been instructed to take a break for overdoing it.) With a friend, you have an ongoing emotional investment that transcends times of difficulty.  You don’t want your relationship to become nothing but a counseling connection nor do you want to abandon someone to the emotional wolves just because they’re in a somewhat extended bad situation.

In short, it’s extremely frustrating.

It may have become apparent by this point that I’m trying to guide a friend through a bad spot. This particular friend is in what pretty much any advocate would recognize as an emotionally abusive relationship. To be honest, I think he recognizes it as well but doesn’t want to leave for reasons that are very difficult for me to understand. I have had to constantly adapt and re-adapt my support style to try to help. As a trained counselor (by which I mean a trained, non-medical, non-professional amateur crisis intervention and trauma counselor) I would respond differently than I would as a friend but the former sometimes eclipses the latter even in situations when it isn’t fully helpful. This situation is made harder by having constant contact with this friend’s partner in social situations.

What I have learned from this is that boundaries are more important than ever. As a friend, it’s harder to establish them than it is in a semi-formal but regulated counseling setting. Nonetheless, they’re extremely necessary. I finally reached a breaking point where I insisted that said friend needed some professional help. I didn’t want to “give up” on him and I’m not. I’m still supportive, still lovingly concerned, but well aware that I’m beyond my ability to help without tearing myself apart emotionally in the process.  Setting the social boundaries has been important too. Backing off of a few social engagements has been awkward but necessary to preserve my mental health.

As an advocate it’s often hard for me to remember self-care because I do, in fact, give a lot of regard to trying to solve others’ problems, especially when they revolve around abusive situations. I want abuse to end so I want to dive in and help as much as I can. But going back to boundaries, the other aspects of caring for myself are still important. I have to let myself sleep and eat and not be driven to my own self-destruction because of someone else’s situation even if it is sad and wrong that it’s happening. I was having nightmares and PTSD flashbacks while helping my friend, sometimes 3-5 a night, when I had previously experienced fewer than that over the course of two months. While a small part of me still feels conflicted at telling him I had reached the end of my ability to assist properly, I know it was probably good for both of us that he seek more professional counseling.

Quiet Advovacy Series #1: Overhearing Tough Stuff

Child abuse is a pervasive problem in the United States. We know this and we accept it yet we don’t want to talk about it. Talking about the harm done to children is difficult. It’s sad, disappointing, and it often touches on a very vulnerable part of the psyche. Kids are vulnerable, and we want to protect them from harm. When they are subjected to hurt, it can hurt us adults as well or it can remind us of our own childhood experiences.

I mentioned in a recent post that it’s very difficult to support loved ones in times of trauma. Part of it is because having to think through the negative things that happened to a loved one can produce secondary trauma or even just a set of difficult feelings. I was having a conversation with a friend in which I pointed out how I get queasy when I think about abuse I know friends survived. It’s not that I don’t feel bad or sad when working with clients but my emotional investment is different. With friends, we have a multi-faceted ongoing relationship. With clients, we have a more limited relationship and I have a very specific role.

Some coworkers talk repeatedly about their childhood beatings. This is their terminology, not mine. It upsets me greatly to have to hear it throughout the day, not simply because they talk about it but because they talk positively and happily about acts I consider abusive.  They sometimes use these conversations to advance the idea that their own children should be (or should have been) beaten. Recently one coworker fondly described being forced to hide under her childhood bed, beaten smacked with sticks and switches, and getting pulled about by her hair and clothes, and seemed to suggest it was all very much deserved for her behavior. I’ve listened to many such conversations in my workplace and find them exponentially difficult to endure silently once they start saying “But it didn’t do me any harm” or “I turned out fine.”

Every time I hear one of those cliched lines, I find myself wanting to say, “But you want to beat your own kids! What do you mean, ‘fine’?” Of course, this is an emotional reaction because the subject is near to my soul, and what I usually end up doing is taking a number of deep breaths and staying silent. I don’t necessarily consider this to be the best approach for handling such moments but I’m at work and don’t always have the luxury of responding in the manner I’d use elsewhere. So I stay quiet.

Unfortunately, that quiet is far too common. When people like me (trained advocates and survivors with firsthand experience of just how badly things can turn out) stay quiet, others can easily come to believe that abuse is healthy.  So I present the proposed two-part guide to handling situations like this one:

1. Respond. My personal goal is to respond calmly, succinctly, and reservedly. In other words, not to overshare and not to respond with too much voice quivering. (That second part is harder than the first.) The response should be an elevator pitch. “You sound like you’re having an interesting conversation.” can lead to a very quick “Abuse and trauma have many forms. Understanding how to prevent them can lead to healthier communities and individuals.”  Of course, the diplomacy of how to get there is still a confusing issue for me. On the one hand, I don’t really want to go up to coworkers and start saying “You were abused! You have to realize!” or “That behavior is totally unacceptable.” It causes many people to freeze up and become unreceptive, but it’s also rude and apt to start trouble in a place where I need to maintain ongoing working relationships. Nonetheless, the response should be made in some form. Even if it’s to ask more about what’s going on. “What made you want to talk about that today?” “What do you think of that after all these years?” Some form of perceptive listening and guided questioning to rev up to a more involved and open dialogue. Ultimately, while I lack the particulars on what to say and how to say it, I know that a response of some kind is necessary. I also know that the individual situation will determine how it will play out.
   
2. Educate. Not necessarily in the same moment or in the same group but make a wider effort to outreach in those locations. In the past, I’ve taken fundraising for my advocacy to work, and I’ve also solicited volunteers (who want to become advocates) through workplace efforts. It’s not bad to share experiences, and leave the opportunities open and available. I’ve done this, also, by leaving symbols of my volunteer efforts at my desk. A quiet reminder of my advocacy life has actually led some people to ask me questions or to seek out services. Honestly, I find not being ostentatious about it is the best. A clandestine magnet or ribbon can go a long way in desk decoration and also in inviting others to ask what it’s all about.

Really, I wish I didn’t have to hear stories I find sad when I’m doing my day job (since my day job is not specifically related to this type of advocacy) but when I do, I want to have my own coping strategy. I’ve still been trying to make self-care a part of that, particularly because the ladies sometimes touch on stories that make me cringe with remembering my own traumatic experiences.

I am not a professional in this field. I merely offer my opinions and thoughts as they occur to me based on my own experiences. I am willing to listen to alternate viewpoints and discuss variant scenarios but I do reserve the right to remove comments and data I find to be offensive and against my primary purpose of helping survivors.

 

Edit: Unrelated, but please go read Fem 2pt0’s Policy Wishlist for 2013.

Helping Friends

It’s really, really, really hard to support loved ones who go through trauma. I know that from so many intersecting perspectives, I might as well be an unsolved Rubik’s Cube of possible advice scenarios.

I find it hard to know how to give good, concrete advice to people who are not clients or customers of my advocacy services in a formal setting. At least sometimes. When it involves good friends who bring up stories about themselves or their other loved ones, the situation is vastly different than it would be if I were sitting with them in an emergency shelter or counselor’s office. Many new advocates are taught to consider what they would say to friends but I don’t necessarily find that advice helpful. I talk to friends with a very different sort of emotional investment than I use to talk to someone with whom I don’t have an ongoing personal relationship. It make sense, of course, because my personal involvement is very different.

I don’t have any particular deep bits of advice or self-care on handling these things right now. This is more about sharing my experience. It’s rough and I sympathize with anybody who has to go through such.

Black Friday through a Black Window

And it officially turns into the holiday season.

Even in families with completely loving members who lack sordid histories, holidays can be stressful times. You might love someone but not want to be crammed into a crowded house with him/her for a 72 hour period while you are also away from your routine comforts. That’s just human nature. I love my sister dearly but would not want to take a cross-country road trip with her in a four door sedan. We’re better suited to a relationship where we hang out in each other’s homes, go shopping, eat meals, and then part ways. It’s not because our connection is broken but rather that we’re the type of people who value our alone time and personal space. I suspect that many people can relate to this when it comes to friends and family both.

If you tack on difficult family members and bad family situations, holidays become less concretely about love and respect and morph into minefields of negative gossip, rumor, and frustration. The cultural messages dictating that Thanksgiving and Christmas are times of peace and love, of family and togetherness do not help ease frustration or mixed emotion for those who have less than flowery experiences of time spent together. I’ve seen it many years in emergency shelters. Families feel sad or lost because they’re not at home or don’t answer the phone calls from former partners and partners’ families. They haven’t done anything wrong by leaving an abusive situation but it hurts when a five year-old asks “But why isn’t daddy here?” or a twelve year-old demands “Can’t I go back to Grandma’s house?” Family is a complex concept, and one worthy of far more scholarly attention than I can devote to it in this blog. Still, holidays arouse these kinds of emotions and experiences for so many, including myself.

For years I had internalized the idea that Christmas was magical. And by magical, I mean that it would always end up being a good day no matter what other horrors or bad things preceded it. Everything would be great. No fighting, no sickness, no dying, no sadness. I also firmly believed in my youthful naiveté that my magical understanding was global. Nobody could be sick or sad. No one would fight or die. Not a single soul anywhere in the world. This illusion broke apart for the first time when I learned about friends who had not been visited by Santa Claus (despite believing in him) and when I heard from classmates who had been spanked, grounded, or otherwise punished at Christmas time. I don’t know if I recognized the disconnect between my magical facade and my actual holiday experiences. Somehow I think I was too young. This revelation had far more power in my adolescence when I started to avoid family gatherings.

Besides, my family Christmas experiences were mixed. We’d have a great time on Christmas Eve. Everyone would be cozy while reading stories and finalizing ornament placement on the tree. Sometimes Christmas mornings were wonderful. Other times they were nothing but in-fighting with yelling and accusations. Sometimes they were slightly more violent. Extended family visits could take the same tracks but with a number of younger cousins running around and having none who were older or close to my age, I usually would find a quiet chair and read alone. Sometimes I’d write stories. Typically, though, being alone until dinner was my tactic for getting through most of those celebrations. As anyone dealing with large groups of children will tell you, there was a lot of turmoil. Fighting, arguing, playful violence, and loud voices were common. It’s certainly not abnormal but it stressed me out, made me feel frozen and miserable in many circumstances. Among the most difficult were the times when my younger cousin (younger but similarly sized) would attack me and I would be blamed and punished for his attacking me. Then we’d all have nice dinners and open packages and smile and take photographs and be happy. I suspect this is a fairly normal holiday experience with a large family gathering, though. I share it not because I think of this as the worst possible scenario for a holiday (far from it, actually) but rather to show that I’ve got a varied set of experiences when it comes to the holidays.

At a certain point, after my grandmother passed away close to Christmas (just a couple days before), and I began to realize that my family had not actually always been kind to me, I started to flee from celebration. I didn’t want to be reminded of going to a funeral two days before Christmas. I didn’t want to think about how her death caused all of the positive family traditions to be as much broken apart as the negative ones. I didn’t want to sit through dinners of civil conversation when I knew that I had been abused by the people with whom I passed dinner rolls. And this is where I think that complexity regarding family becomes very, very important. I love them. They love me. I’ve done less than awesome things, such as lying to them, or failing to help out as requested. Some of them verbally and physically abused me for years. But I’ve also done good things for them and they’ve shown love and kindness to me in ways that go beyond the bounds of mere obligation. Again, it’s very, very complicated. I would not suggest to someone else that they have to recognize the good their abusive family members did for them. (This being different from having them characterize an abuser as a person with flaws and virtues.) I simply wish to state that I recognize that about my own situation. It doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to handle going home at holiday time. In fact, I generally avoid it as much as possible. This brings about its own measure of guilt.

Because this is a time of the year that causes increased stress and grows the potential for difficult emotions, I’ve formulated a list (what a surprise, right?!) of tips that I’ve used to help myself get through hard spots. I don’t want to suggest that these are things you must or should do. These may not be things that work for everybody. This is merely what has worked for me and I want to share my experience.

1. Set boundaries. If it seems obvious, that may be because it is. Nonetheless, actually making the commitment to create and honor boundaries can be very difficult. Determining those boundaries in advance is important because it helps me to know when I’m getting close to a bad point. So if I tell myself, “I will go to Christmas dinner but I will not stay past 9 PM,” it sounds reasonable and workable but someone begging and pleading with you to stay later can easily derail such ideas if not firmly established. (Of course it can still be the case that things don’t work out as planned, and this should not be used as an excuse for self-punishing behaviors or thoughts, but it’s something to use as a learning experience.) I try to set boundaries on conversational topics. For instance, if someone starts telling me I’m failing because of my relationship status or career choice, I will end that conversation and walk away. That’s one of my most important boundaries, actually.
2. Have an escape plan. It seems a little sad to me that I have to create an excuse to get out of family holiday events but I think it also means I’m better able to relax into those situations, knowing I have a way to get out if I need to. A plan that allows me to save social face, and prevent angry disturbances is usually best. My typical way of handling this is to have someone on board to send me a message with unclear information so I have a reason to call them and get more details, at which point I can use them as a means to leave if needed. It is dishonest, certainly, but it is also a polite method of preserving the peace, and in many cases, I actually think that it’s okay to keep myself safe and well in those situations. I also handle this by making plans for a specific time so my visits at holiday time are limited. “I’ll need to be home by 9 PM, so I need to leave no later than 5 PM, etc.
3. Rely on self-soothing techniques. You might think I’m talking about getting all boozed up but I’m not. Especially at these types of events, I avoid alcohol like the plague. (Not that I’m much of an imbiber to begin with.) Instead I refer to those things that help me through other bad spots, like the ten second count, deep breathing, stepping away, and having internal dialog to respond to negative comments from others with reassuring positive ones. “You’re a terrible daughter” turns into “She’s upset and stressed out and you know this is not true.” It doesn’t really mean it hurts less. It merely means I have the strength to get through the situation.
4. Have alternative celebrations. If I consider family time to be largely an obligation rather than a celebration, I figure that I still need to have time and space to do actual festive celebrating. This means I set up plans with friends and people I’ve invited into my life as caring and compassionate individuals. I might have a party, or I might merely sit with them and watch bad Christmas specials. The point is that these other events bring me a kind of joy I may not be able to experience when I go home. I have actually tried to help clients recognize that they are entitled to joy and to know that they’re “allowed” to create it for themselves if they so desire.  Actually, there have been many times when I’ve been both happy and excited to engage in celebrations with clients who seem to be genuinely enjoying themselves. It makes us all feel better to find joy where we can.
5. Realize that I have another family. Much like I have learned to create alternative celebrations, I have tried to encourage myself to realize that my friends are every bit my family as well. And these are people whom I trust and love and who respect me and care for me in a way that my blood family may not. (This is not to say that my blood family doesn’t love me or care about me, but my friends care for me in a different way.) I try to remind myself of this fact because I do believe that my output of joy and intake of love are linked to own well-being and my own efforts, but that there are people out there who care for me. And even if there aren’t right now (though there are) that I can seek them out in my own time.

Of course, I still struggle greatly with celebrating holidays with family. These bits of advice help to mitigate my problems but they don’t cure me. I’m probably never going to feel completely at ease with going home at Christmas or Thanksgiving. (If I go at all.) I certainly hope that won’t be the case for the rest of my life and I work to try to make it less and less of a problem but right now, the reality is, it’s just a time when I suffer mixed, difficult feelings. I sympathize greatly with people who have hard times with the holidays (whatever the reason) and I wish them the best.

I am not a professional in this field. I merely offer my opinions and thoughts as they occur to me based on my own experiences. I am willing to listen to alternate viewpoints and discuss variant scenarios but I do reserve the right to remove comments and data I find to be offensive and against my primary purpose of helping survivors.

DVAM & The Media

I’ve been on vacation. It was needed. As a result, though, I have nearly 600 unread messages in my inbox and no idea what awaits me at the office. (I chose to actually remain disconnected from my job during the week– no e-mails, no phone calls, no “checking in” messages.) Still, I think it was worth it because everybody deserves times to be free of this sort of obligation, whether it be for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. (Or longer, if you’re lucky enough to have that option available.)  Self-care goes overlooked. Even those of us who exercise and eat well often fail to get enough sleep or treat ourselves well in other ways (avoiding stress, forgiving ourselves, etc.) Vacation is an utter necessity and as a society we should really make it easier to take one.  I’m going to step down off this here soap box now.

Well, at least that particular soap box.  Since I missed the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month with my travels, I would like to share some media I saw pop up in my reading.

• How I Survived Domestic Violence from Fem2pt0. It’s a personal story of enduring and surviving relationship violence. Its ultimate message is that every individual deserves love and respect and caring relationships.
• How to help a Loved One Experiencing Domestic Violence from Fem2pt0 also. This is a very caring and compassionate article explaining ways to help someone you care about through a difficult situation. I personally like this posting because it encourages support and self-care simultaneously and doesn’t jump to the irrational (though totally understandable) “GET OUT AT ALL COSTS” that many others have suggested on these topics.
• Protection from Sexual Violence is a Human Right from The Hill’s Congress Blog. This article discusses the marginalization of survivors of sexual abuse and the deplorable state of untested rape kits in America.
• 50 Actual Facts about Rape from The Huffington Post.  This article is hard to get through but it’s very important all the same. It lists out statistics on the ubiquity and horribleness of rape. It’s exceedingly difficult to read numbered line after numbered line because it represents the state of people who have been hurt through rape.
• Private Violence via NCADV. This is a project to end violence against women in America. Specifically, I like the link to 5 Things To Say To A Battered Woman.  I personally would word this differently as “5 Things to Say to a Women Affected by Violence” but that’s an argument beyond the core of what this article says. I think it serves a very good purpose. We’re often told what not to say but knowing what TO say is very, very important as well.
• 1 in 6. I think I’ve mentioned it before but I hold tight to this site specifically because it reaches out and does media work to make it known that men are victims as well as women. Their media also includes outreach and community portals to help in recovery and prevention efforts for those affected.
• No More. A campaign to end sexual and domestic violence.  Media outreach, prevention, and support for those affected are all offered here. The site is powerful in its efforts to help completely eliminate violence.
• Preventing Sexual Violence in Disasters via NSVRC. This is a feed of media about how sexual violence tends to increase in areas affected by disasters and talks about prevention strategies for helping to put an end to such violence.

Safety Planning

People who are experiencing relationship violence can make a safety plan whether they choose to stay in or choose to leave the relationship.  If you are an advocate working with a client, make sure he/she feels safe and comfortable before discussing how to develop a strategy:

• Can the client talk right now? Is it safe to talk?
• Does he/she want to work on a safety plan?
• Are all considerations being discussed, e.g. does the client have any special needs or concerns that should be explored?
• Does the client understand the safety plan he/she created? Can it be followed even in a moment of crisis?

Technology and internet safety planning are vital.  With the ubiquity of GPS-enabled devices (smartphones, tablets, and cars) it’s very important to be aware of how devices work and what can be done to create an additional level of protection with them.

There are a number of states and localities with anti-violence projects. These are coalitions and agencies which connect to stop violence against people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer.  As an advocate I’ve worked with many people who have reported violence in a variety of relationship circumstances. While nobody should ever have to experience intimate partner violence, many people who are in same-sex relationships face additional social and life challenges as a result of abuse.  These should be considered in creating a safety plan.

Also, remember when working with clients, to emphasize that they are not at fault for the abuse they suffer. Abuse is always someone else’s decision and actions. The same can be said for providing support for friends and family. Safety planning is a tool to help those who suffer injustice; not a means to make them feel responsible for abuse.

Staying

Why do we ask victims Why do you stay? Why don’t we ask abusers why do you abuse? 

Anti-violence advocates frequently engage in this dialogue. I understand why, as I’ve asked the questions myself.  We don’t want to victim-blame.  We sometimes want to focus our frustration at the people who actually do the hurting.

Yet, had no one ever asked why do you stay we would not have any understanding of the reasons and complications that make it hard or impossible to leave an abusive situation.  Much as I would advocate that we should very definitely ask abusers why do you abuse, I think we should ask the question. Of course, it should be a fact-finding mission, not one set up to incite blame or pressure.

What this means is that we really need to listen to people who report violence. We need to be present, focused, and aware of what they’re telling us. Maybe the information about why they can’t leave or don’t leave is already in the conversation we’re having. Think of how these sort of questions might be answered in an advocate’s conversation with a client (even if the questions themselves are never asked) Does she threaten your children? Does he say he’ll harm your pets if you go? Do you lack finances to be out on your own? Do you feel like you don’t actually deserve any better? 

I happened to come upon a link to a discussion about this subject and found it interesting how people responded to the original poster. The discussion seems to be more about understanding what actually constitutes violence than specifically about the reasons people stay. Still, I’m glad people are talking about the difficult subject.