Safety Planning

People who are experiencing relationship violence can make a safety plan whether they choose to stay in or choose to leave the relationship.  If you are an advocate working with a client, make sure he/she feels safe and comfortable before discussing how to develop a strategy:

• Can the client talk right now? Is it safe to talk?
• Does he/she want to work on a safety plan?
• Are all considerations being discussed, e.g. does the client have any special needs or concerns that should be explored?
• Does the client understand the safety plan he/she created? Can it be followed even in a moment of crisis?

Technology and internet safety planning are vital.  With the ubiquity of GPS-enabled devices (smartphones, tablets, and cars) it’s very important to be aware of how devices work and what can be done to create an additional level of protection with them.

There are a number of states and localities with anti-violence projects. These are coalitions and agencies which connect to stop violence against people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer.  As an advocate I’ve worked with many people who have reported violence in a variety of relationship circumstances. While nobody should ever have to experience intimate partner violence, many people who are in same-sex relationships face additional social and life challenges as a result of abuse.  These should be considered in creating a safety plan.

Also, remember when working with clients, to emphasize that they are not at fault for the abuse they suffer. Abuse is always someone else’s decision and actions. The same can be said for providing support for friends and family. Safety planning is a tool to help those who suffer injustice; not a means to make them feel responsible for abuse.

The Discussion of “Everyday Sexual Assault”

I live in an aggressively “touchy-feely” culture. It iinvades my personal space and comfort zone by its incessant insistence on hugging and patting and tapping. Strangers think it’s okay to touch my arm or clasp their hands to my back. Colleagues in the office are convinced they’re in the right when they randomly hug me or throw their arms over my shoulders. Even friends sometimes forget and go too far, hugging for too long. I don’t like it. By nature I’m not terribly physically affectionate. With trauma tacked on I’m especially reluctant to get close to others.

Because many (if not most) human beings are somewhat physical creatures it can be hard to accept that we have to keep our hands off others. I recognize that and usually make pretty solid allowances for others who touch me. On the first go-around I try to kindly accept a hug or pat on the back. Then I like to quickly establish boundaries, such as “Please don’t touch me,” or “Please ask before you touch me.” It’s my concession to a world that likes physical touch, even though I often believe on a personal (and professional) level that others should have to ask me for permission rather than wait for my denial of their access. Hands off, okay? Nonetheless I do what I can to hold myself in control when touched unawares. (File under: practice at dealing with reactions.)

Touching is so confusingly accepted as a natural norm in society. Or it falls under the jurisdiction of “I’m okay with it so you should be also.” (A highly unfair proposition.) I stumbled upon a discussion of “everyday sexual assault” and though the conversation originates in a country that is not my own I think there is a universal quality of understanding in the kinds of things being reported back. The people talking talk about an ongoing, routine violation of their bodily space that they would never previously have referred to as anything beyond “annoyance” or “upsetting.” The classification of “everyday sexual assault” in and of itself brings to light new terminology that seems to have aided many of those in discussion.

Note that the conversation still centers around this being the domain of women, though. We talk about advancement and equality and liberating ourselves from unwanted touch and still we frame the issue as being a woman’s problem, brought on by men. What about women who are touched by other women? (This happens to me routinely, actually. Women think because it’s “just us girls” they’re allowed to place hands or hug or nuzzle or run their hands up and down the fabric of my clothing.) What about men who are hurt by women? (Women grab asses, they pinch and tweak and grope as well.) Or men who are touched by men when they don’t want to be touched? (To put this in cultural normative terms, we could talk about back slaps or hand shakes but there is absolutely nothing to make this conversation end there.) I know I harp on it a lot but unwanted touch is unwanted touch. Gender and sexual orientation don’t matter if someone touches you when you don’t want to be touched. The issue is a social one.

Many people have a hard time referring to an ass grab as a sexual assault. I think I understand why. It’s the same mentality that tells you that a hug that feels wrong somehow is something to just be ignored. The truth is, though, you shouldn’t ignore acts which invade your personal space against your will. While we might not generally put a  rape on the same plane as a repeated caress of the back or arm, those two acts are nonetheless examples of bodies and boundaries being disrespected and people being hurt. I want to see more inclusive language as a result but I think the push to show that “small” acts of assaultive behavior are wrong is a good one.

As for me, I suffer from PTSD symptoms (as is discussed in this blog) so being touched from behind when not expecting it can be enough to make me jump up on the defensive, ready to run and take cover. I know that I don’t like to feel (as I term it) pressed in by certain kinds of touching and the act of someone laying hands on my shoulders can make me shake in an otherwise safe setting. I think about those feelings and think about other unwanted touch, such as people insisting on hugs or sliding hands over my chest in public places. That horrible feeling of uncontrollable shaking (born of trauma) is something I don’t want anyone else to experience. So hands off.

Things You Don’t Say to a Survivor of Rape

Note that this is not a professional’s guide but rather a list based on my experiences as a trained advocate and friend. There may be things herein that you take issue with. That’s fine. Please feel free to discuss or tell me where you and I differ. I firmly believe that acknowledging a survivor as a person capable of making decisions and exercising independence is vitally important. Survivor-directed recovery is one of my key principles in serving those who are brave enough to come forward and talk to me. As such this is a list of things I believe you should avoid saying when providing support to someone who has been affected by sexual assault or rape.

It’s  important that the survivor disclose sexual assault and rape as such. If someone is not yet prepared to use that terminology, it is not advisable to force that terminology on them.  Sometimes that comes later and sometimes it doesn’t. It may be that a person recognizes that something was done that was against his/her consent but isn’t ready to consider it rape.  It’s generally best not to enforce the use of that terminology because it may work against someone’s healing and acknowledgement of what has taken place. Ultimately you should remain available for a survivor in the capacity that he/she needs you to provide support, so long as those needs are within your boundaries and are legally acceptable.

And now, with that in mind, here is the list:

• What were you wearing? I’m disturbed that I still have to address this one. It sounds like a joke to many people who have survived sexual assault and to many of us who work in the field of advocating for survivors. Unfortunately, though, it’s part of a cultural script that still exists in many, many more places than we want to believe. Clothing choice, even if someone is running down the street stark naked, does not give anybody else license to sexual attack another person.  The reason why there are so many slut walks around the country is to make this point well-known.  It does not matter what someone is wearing; rape is always wrong.

• Why were you there?  Questioning a rape survivor about his/her whereabouts is unacceptable. By this I mean it’s really rather irrelevant why an individual was walking down the street at 3 AM if someone else attacked him/her. The onus of the crime of rape is to be placed on the perpetrator, not the individual who was attacked and it’s unfortunate that this continues to be an issue. Since we know that the vast majority of rape survivors are already acquainted with their attackers, it’s also a particularly unhelpful question and may result in essentially asking “Why were you in your own home?”

• Did you ask him/her to use a condom? Note: this question may be a valid one in terms of medical examination and in post-assault care but it is irrelevant to determining whether or not a rape took place. (I am talking about rape as defined in sexual assault agencies, not necessarily rape as it is defined under the law. I’m not a lawyer or a legal professional so I am not able to speak to the intricacies of these things.) If someone holds a gun to your head and insists that you are to have sex with them, it really doesn’t matter if you’re then begging the attacker to wear a condom because you’re still having sex against your will. There are far too many people who presume that begging and pleading for any measure of safety is tantamount to offering consent and it is not the same thing.

• Did you enjoy it?  It shocks me how often this question is asked of people who have just been assaulted or who are brave enough to recount their assault. Rape is not about fantasy, sexual foreplay, or intrigue. Rape is about power and control, and about using one of the most intimate settings possible to take advantage of another person. There is a nasty presumption that any autonomic response is the same thing as enjoyment.  Unfortunately, in many cases, this represents a bias towards assuming that male survivors have been complicit in their own attacks, even though it is not the case.

• You have to report it.  This one might seem counterintuitive to many people who want to help but telling a survivor what to do is a means to re-victimize somebody by taking away their independence. If you decline to offer support to somebody unless they go to the police or hospital you are actually apt to demonstrate that your desires matter more than theirs do. It’s better to be present for the survivor and help to provide options for dealing with the aftermath. Respecting the individual’s wishes is the best thing you can do. (A note: recognizing that this is not always possible, especially when it comes to working with those who are underage, it is better to be upfront about your limitations as a supporter, e.g. don’t promise confidentiality if you cannot actually deliver it.)

• I’m going to give you a big hug.  Some survivors are comforted by physical touch. Others are put off by it. Don’t assume that you know what will work best, even if you previously had a relationship with the survivor where physical touch was okay. It’s better to ask the individual what his/her needs are and to ask if it’s okay to touch them. Some survivors may actually be triggered pretty terribly by unsolicited physical touch and it’s important that you understand that it’s not necessarily about you personally but about the trauma that has been suffered and the individual’s attempt to cope with the experience.

• You have to talk about it. This is not necessarily true. Much as with counseling or following specific advice, not everybody is ready to disclose all details or go on talking about an assault after it has taken place. Allow the individual to direct his/her own recovery by speaking when ready.  Checking in with someone and making sure they know you are available is not the same thing as eliciting details before they’re ready to be given.

• Why did you let it happen? Remember, as stated above, that having sex with someone under duress is not the same as giving consent to have sex. A victim doesn’t “let” sexual assault happen. Sexual assault is a forced act, and one which the survivor did not agree to engage in. Even a “yes” if there is a knife at the throat does not equate to consent. A threat is a threat.

• Why didn’t you fight back? Everybody has a different response to trauma. Some people become agitated and fight back. Others look for paths to run away. Others freeze up and can’t move or speak. Many people suffer a combination of these. It’s important to remember that it may not have been possible to fight back. Would you ask this question of someone who had their wallet stolen at gunpoint? If not, why would you ask it of someone who was violated on a primal level? An individual who has survived rape has already shown that he/she has used the best strategy available to SURVIVE. Someone who is in front of you recounting a horrible experience has already found some way to survive the experience and it’s good to treat the person as having done what they needed to do to get to that point. Questioning why they did or did not hit/fight/move does not assist in healing.

• I don’t believe you. As an advocate I have listened to hundreds and hundreds of stories about assault. There have certainly been times when someone’s story seemed fishy or odd but I have never, in a professional capacity, uttered the phrase “I don’t believe you.” Let me explain this one. First off, there is an unfortunate myth that many, many rape survivors are lying when they disclose or that lots of people make up stories about being raped. The statistics don’t bear that one out.  (It’s far more often the case that assaults go unreported.)  Stories may seem to change or be missing vital details as they are told or retold. That’s actually consistent with traumatic response and human memory. Sometimes the brain loses time and space around the worst parts. Sometimes the memory of certain details comes back as more time passes.  Even if an assault didn’t actually happen but an individual in front of you firmly believes it does, that person still requires care and treatment to deal with the emotional difficulties brought on by that belief.  Offering your acceptance for hearing the story and believing the details can actually help both sides of the equation.

• But I know __ and they wouldn’t do that. Much as with the “I don’t believe you” comments, insisting that another person is incapable of sexual assault is tough territory. You may feel compelled to defend someone whom you know well and that’s very understandable but stating that your personal relationship with an individual precludes the possibility of assault does a disservice. In general, I’ve found the best way to handle this situation is to listen to the story being presented and try to work through support and details. If you are not in a position where you feel you can fairly offer advice and support, it may be best to direct the survivor to other services such as a crisis hotline, another family member or friend, or a private counselor. I know I’ve certainly encountered situations in my life where I felt ripped apart by differing sides of an accusation and it’s not easy to deal with.

• Just get over it. There is a desire to see a hurt person get better and move on with life but this process really can’t be rushed. You can’t just tell someone to get over their trauma and expect it to go away. This works for some people better than others and it depends on many, many incalculable factors such as personality, personal support systems, past exposure to trauma, life circumstances, health, comorbidity of mental illness or substance abuse, financial standing, etc.  Acknowledging that trauma has occurred is often enough to help many survivors but you can’t presume that someone will just snap out of feeling harmed by a rape or sexual assault.

• I was raped and this is what I did to get over it so this is what you should do. As mentioned above, everybody is different and every survivor has different needs. Don’t presume that what worked for you will work for everybody else in every circumstance. You can certainly feel free to talk about your own experiences of survival if it can be done in a way that can help the affected party. In other words, they may be asking you what you did and you can share that information but I firmly believe it is important to couch this in “But what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for you.” Make sure the survivor knows that your path is not the only path and that just because it worked for you doesn’t mean you expect that it has to work for them.

• It’s not so bad. Other people have been hurt worse.  At least you had a boyfriend/husband/wife/sister. I heard about this other rape victim and here are details. Forcing a survivor to hear gory details of another sexual assault is not a future-seeking activity. Suggesting that someone else’s experience was “worse” is at best a subjective leveraging of horrible experiences and at worse, a full-out disqualification of someone’s trauma. Suggesting that having a significant other lessens the idea of rape is something I’ve heard too much in the world. An abusive relationship or abusive act is still abusive, regardless of the social capital of being partnered in some way. Don’t use the time you spend counseling a survivor to launch into a full-scale telling of your own story or experiences just because an opportunity presents itself. This rule is naturally truer in professional advocacy than in friendship or lay response but it’s still generally a wise one to follow.

• It can’t be rape because you already knew him. It wasn’t rape because she’s your wife. It’s not assault because you and she previously slept together. It wasn’t rape because there was no penetration. Rape is rape. Period. Prior consent does not mean inherent consent going forward. Implied consent is not the same thing as affirmative consent. Relationships do not guarantee access to sex or sexual activity. Even if the other person is your spouse, consent is not guaranteed and in no way should a prior dating relationship or prior agreement to sex be considered grounds for dismissing an allegation of rape when talking to a survivor.  Also important here is understanding that rape survivors may be of any gender or sexual orientation and perpetrators may be as well. Saying it’s not really rape because you’re a woman in relationship with another woman or a man in a relationship with a man is equally absurd. Assault is assault. It’s the same with various activities. If a sexual assault took place and it involved objects instead of body parts it is still an assault and it’s important to note that those details don’t ultimately matter. If it was not consensual, it was not acceptable.

• Are you gay now? Did you become gay because of it?  This question is problematic. Though we may not necessarily understand exactly how sexual orientation and gender identity are constructed there is good evidence to suggest that it is not a choice to be attracted to a particular gender or genders.  For too long society has believed that boys assaulted by older men become gay as a result. The same is true about female on female sexual assault. And just because someone IS gay does not mean that it is the result of having been assaulted. Respecting that an individual has a sexual orientation independent of the assault is tantamount to respecting the person.

• You MUST get counseling.  This is not necessarily true. Modern American psychology suggests counseling for practically everything. Not everyone needs it or benefits from it in all circumstances. It’s best to let the survivor direct his/her recovery (again noting that there are times when this is not possible due to legal or institutional reasons) but make it known that counseling can be found if needed. There is no specific timetable for recovery, either, so someone may not be ready to talk today but might be ready to talk in a week. Though it is important to understand and respect your own boundaries and limitations, you still do not get to decide if the survivor is ready to and able to open up to counseling.

• Well you know, since you’re assaulted you’re more likely to assault someone else now. For far, far too long survivors of assault have been told that they’re more likely to become offenders themselves. This is not true. While it is true that a large portion of offenders were themselves assaulted, that does not mean that those who survived are going to become offenders. Telling someone this information is incredibly hurtful and harmful and does not do anything to aid recovery.

• I will not help you unless you follow my advice precisely. Putting conditions on helping someone such as “You have to stop having sex before I will talk to you” or “You have to go to the police before I’ll listen to you” generally backfire. It’s a struggle and putting conditions such as “I will not continue speaking with you if you hurl abusive language at me” are acceptable but indicating that you always know the best possible path for an individual is problematic, so presuming that you can give them an exact set of directions before you’ll help is one way to discourage the person from seeking help.

• I’m going to tell everybody. I’m going to tell __.  There are times when you have to, I understand, for the well-being of others or in cases of underage or senior citizen victims. You may be required to report as a condition of your job or position. That said, you should never use this line as a threat or a tool of coercion against a survivor. It is harmful to the healing process and turns you into a bully. Also, respect for an individual’s story is important. Going around and telling everyone you know all the details, or even that it happened, is very different from having, by condition of you professional license, to disclose to law enforcement.

• You were assaulted before. You should have known better.  Studies show that those who have been assaulted as children are more likely to be assaulted as adults and many people who experience life circumstances that lead to rape or assault are apt to be exposed to such trauma again. It is not a condition of the individual “knowing better” or not taking preventative steps to avoid such an experience. A survivor is not at fault.

• You’re ruined. You’re not clean. You’re sinful. You’re dirty. This is not just the domain of religious guilt, though it does sometimes occur there. That said, many, many religious communities out there are extremely accepting and supportive of victims of sexual assault, so I absolutely do not want to make it seem that I’m blaming them for this behavior. It occurs in other circumstances as well. Sometimes partners feel that their relationships are ruined because a previous sexual state has changed or they feel like they’re engaging with “damaged goods” and hurl such remarks. Unfortunately, it only serves to further humiliate and embarrass someone who is already going through a lot of negative experiences.  Try to avoid framing the need for medical attention this way as well. It can far better to state “I am concerned about your well-being and it may be beneficial if you consult with a doctor” than it is to say “You have to go get checked out for STDs!” Parents, too, need to understand that sexual assault is not an activity entered into freely and clearly, so affected children are not inherently “ruined” because someone else decided to take advantage.

• That’s not the way to cope. Absent attempts to help someone avoid more harmful behaviors (perhaps encouraging someone away from substance abuse or suicide or those activities which directly harm others) it’s not especially helpful to tell someone that his/her coping mechanism is invalid. If a survivor is helped by going to Jazzercise three days a week and standing on her head for four minutes every morning, then let it be.

• It’s your fault.  I think this one has been pretty well covered by other things in this list but I wanted to expressly state that this is something you should never, ever suggest or imply while talking to a survivor. Rape is not a consensual activity and no matter what someone else’s motivations or proclivities may be, a victim is a victim, not a complicit partner in assault.

• Why didn’t you say anything sooner? It is not inconsistent with trauma, especially the trauma of sexual assault and rape, to stay quiet for a long time… even years and years after the assaults. Insisting that someone is not telling the truth because they didn’t bring it up sooner is unfair and tends to make the survivor feel like they’ve done something wrong.  Maybe there was a reason why it wasn’t possible to speak sooner, such as threats of further violence or threats against children or pets. Perhaps there was too much fear or even repression in order to survive. Maybe the survivor did previously try to share and was silenced in some way. The point is that rape and sexual assault beget silence because they are intensely, deeply private acts of violence. Humiliation, shame, and fear often accompany them. Doing anything you can to acknowledge an individual’s bravery and strength in sharing can help to alleviate some of the stigma attached to the horrors. Not every survivor is going to want to go on national television or a national blog to share their story. That doesn’t mean that the very act of telling another human being is not brave and open and difficult. Being available to hear that and to aid in encouraging another individual to heal is a powerful and important experience.  Helping to acknowledge a broken silence is a beautiful thing when the survivor is ready to share. Pressure to share sooner or blame for not having done so does not encourage the individual to see their own accomplishments and may even damage the process for some people. Ultimately, belief and open-minded non-judgmental communication are the best ways to help break this silence.

It is my hope that this list is beneficial and helps to spark conversations about advocating for survivors. If you do take issue with anything I’ve written please feel free to comment below. I will do my best to address what you write but I ask that you keep all communication respectful and open. I reserve the right to remove comments that are derogatory to survivors of sexual assault and rape.  I believe in creating a dialogue in order to remove these horrible experiences from our communities through education and understanding and that is what I hope to promote through this blogging project.

Overcoming Stereotypes

With the recent public debate over the Daniel Tosh rape joke I have heard  a lot of unfortunate stereotypes tossed out about rape victims. Not the least of this is the very mistaken belief that men are not affected by sexual assault or that men are never survivors of such violence. I’m not male identified but this mythology bothers me tremendously because it’s just not true.  The MaleSurvivor website includes a very helpful list of these myths and rebuttals for them. Men survive horrible things just as women do and ignoring their stories doesn’t help us as a society to overcome the horrors of sexual assault.  As both an advocate and as a friend I have known many, many men who have been brave enough to come forward and share their stories and I know how very damaging rape and sexual assault are to boys and men as well as girls and women.