DVAM & The Media

I’ve been on vacation. It was needed. As a result, though, I have nearly 600 unread messages in my inbox and no idea what awaits me at the office. (I chose to actually remain disconnected from my job during the week– no e-mails, no phone calls, no “checking in” messages.) Still, I think it was worth it because everybody deserves times to be free of this sort of obligation, whether it be for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days. (Or longer, if you’re lucky enough to have that option available.)  Self-care goes overlooked. Even those of us who exercise and eat well often fail to get enough sleep or treat ourselves well in other ways (avoiding stress, forgiving ourselves, etc.) Vacation is an utter necessity and as a society we should really make it easier to take one.  I’m going to step down off this here soap box now.

Well, at least that particular soap box.  Since I missed the end of Domestic Violence Awareness Month with my travels, I would like to share some media I saw pop up in my reading.

• How I Survived Domestic Violence from Fem2pt0. It’s a personal story of enduring and surviving relationship violence. Its ultimate message is that every individual deserves love and respect and caring relationships.
• How to help a Loved One Experiencing Domestic Violence from Fem2pt0 also. This is a very caring and compassionate article explaining ways to help someone you care about through a difficult situation. I personally like this posting because it encourages support and self-care simultaneously and doesn’t jump to the irrational (though totally understandable) “GET OUT AT ALL COSTS” that many others have suggested on these topics.
• Protection from Sexual Violence is a Human Right from The Hill’s Congress Blog. This article discusses the marginalization of survivors of sexual abuse and the deplorable state of untested rape kits in America.
• 50 Actual Facts about Rape from The Huffington Post.  This article is hard to get through but it’s very important all the same. It lists out statistics on the ubiquity and horribleness of rape. It’s exceedingly difficult to read numbered line after numbered line because it represents the state of people who have been hurt through rape.
• Private Violence via NCADV. This is a project to end violence against women in America. Specifically, I like the link to 5 Things To Say To A Battered Woman.  I personally would word this differently as “5 Things to Say to a Women Affected by Violence” but that’s an argument beyond the core of what this article says. I think it serves a very good purpose. We’re often told what not to say but knowing what TO say is very, very important as well.
• 1 in 6. I think I’ve mentioned it before but I hold tight to this site specifically because it reaches out and does media work to make it known that men are victims as well as women. Their media also includes outreach and community portals to help in recovery and prevention efforts for those affected.
• No More. A campaign to end sexual and domestic violence.  Media outreach, prevention, and support for those affected are all offered here. The site is powerful in its efforts to help completely eliminate violence.
• Preventing Sexual Violence in Disasters via NSVRC. This is a feed of media about how sexual violence tends to increase in areas affected by disasters and talks about prevention strategies for helping to put an end to such violence.

Safety Planning

People who are experiencing relationship violence can make a safety plan whether they choose to stay in or choose to leave the relationship.  If you are an advocate working with a client, make sure he/she feels safe and comfortable before discussing how to develop a strategy:

• Can the client talk right now? Is it safe to talk?
• Does he/she want to work on a safety plan?
• Are all considerations being discussed, e.g. does the client have any special needs or concerns that should be explored?
• Does the client understand the safety plan he/she created? Can it be followed even in a moment of crisis?

Technology and internet safety planning are vital.  With the ubiquity of GPS-enabled devices (smartphones, tablets, and cars) it’s very important to be aware of how devices work and what can be done to create an additional level of protection with them.

There are a number of states and localities with anti-violence projects. These are coalitions and agencies which connect to stop violence against people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer.  As an advocate I’ve worked with many people who have reported violence in a variety of relationship circumstances. While nobody should ever have to experience intimate partner violence, many people who are in same-sex relationships face additional social and life challenges as a result of abuse.  These should be considered in creating a safety plan.

Also, remember when working with clients, to emphasize that they are not at fault for the abuse they suffer. Abuse is always someone else’s decision and actions. The same can be said for providing support for friends and family. Safety planning is a tool to help those who suffer injustice; not a means to make them feel responsible for abuse.

Staying

Why do we ask victims Why do you stay? Why don’t we ask abusers why do you abuse? 

Anti-violence advocates frequently engage in this dialogue. I understand why, as I’ve asked the questions myself.  We don’t want to victim-blame.  We sometimes want to focus our frustration at the people who actually do the hurting.

Yet, had no one ever asked why do you stay we would not have any understanding of the reasons and complications that make it hard or impossible to leave an abusive situation.  Much as I would advocate that we should very definitely ask abusers why do you abuse, I think we should ask the question. Of course, it should be a fact-finding mission, not one set up to incite blame or pressure.

What this means is that we really need to listen to people who report violence. We need to be present, focused, and aware of what they’re telling us. Maybe the information about why they can’t leave or don’t leave is already in the conversation we’re having. Think of how these sort of questions might be answered in an advocate’s conversation with a client (even if the questions themselves are never asked) Does she threaten your children? Does he say he’ll harm your pets if you go? Do you lack finances to be out on your own? Do you feel like you don’t actually deserve any better? 

I happened to come upon a link to a discussion about this subject and found it interesting how people responded to the original poster. The discussion seems to be more about understanding what actually constitutes violence than specifically about the reasons people stay. Still, I’m glad people are talking about the difficult subject.

Partners in Prevention

I am resharing this post from Fem2pt0 for DVAM.

Breaking the Cycle: Standing Up Against Domestic Violence