Dating a Survivor, Survivors Dating

I warn my readers that this post may have information that could be upsetting, particularly to those who have experience with trauma. I don’t believe in hiding the ugly truth from the sunlight but I do understand preferring to observe the sun from behind the curtains, too. I’ve been there many, many times myself.

“Trust” and “relationships” might not seem like topics that are the purview of a blog like this one but those two issues are extremely common subjects in the aftermath of assault, whether in the short-term or in the long-term. I know I struggle with trust not because everyone whom I’ve ever met has hurt me but because I was hurt by those whom I trusted.  I’ve known others in my shoes as well. And that’s how we get to the topic of dating a survivor.

It’s interesting because you can Google “Dating a sexual assault survivor,” or “How to date after sexual assault” but these conversations are disparate and seem never to intersect, and they should. If healthy relationships are the goal, both perspectives should be considered. I say this goes double when both parties are survivors. I’ve had that experience, personally. I’m a survivor and I’ve dated another survivor. There is remarkably little literature on this, despite the fact that it’s not an uncommon situation. Many adult couples disclose that each party was physically or emotionally abused in childhood. Of course, it’s not something that is brought up lightly in most cases, nor is it an open dialogue with society. Sexual assault survivors who date one another are even quieter. Why is there extra stigma to discussing the sexual abuse piece? Honestly, I think it’s for many of the same reasons sexual assault in general is harder to talk about. But there’s also this idea that sexual assault survivors should never date one another. I’ve heard it in whispers and suggestions, not generally in a forthright and forthcoming manner.

Consider individuals who go to meetings for sexual addiction. They discouraged from taking on partners in their support groups. Same with those in recovery for alcohol addiction and narcotics use. While I can understand the distancing of your support network from your relationship (at least in the context of supportive continuity) I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong for those who are survivors to avoid one another in intimate relationships. There are ways in which survivors can help one another, and also, these decisions are not limited to the identity of “survivor.” There are relationships that work for the individual, and some that do not, regardless of the standing of being a survivor.

I dated a survivor before I really came to terms with being a survivor of any type of violence. I didn’t know myself and my desires, and I didn’t understand some of his because I had blocked out my own traumatic experience just enough to be blind to the similarities in our behavior. Sexual needs, physical needs, and emotional needs are difficult to fully grasp in any relationship but when those needs are also surrounded, at their very core, by the hurts of past trauma, it’s so difficult to provide what is truly wanted and required. I don’t have solutions for those moments. It was very hard, and it continues to be difficult for me to find out what I really need in a relationship (which is probably at least part of the reason I avoid them in general) but I’m not every person. Those people who can find their love and happiness with other survivors deserve that joining.

Community Engagement for Healthy Relationships

I’ve very much been meaning to share more but it seems even without small children and extended obligation, the Thanksgiving to Christmas season eats up your time.

American society glances at November and December with a consumerist eye, constantly ready to suggest a new gadget or product or service that will enhance holiday time itself as well as life beyond. If you buy it, you’ll feel happier. You very well may, too, but the good and warm emotions fade away for most people over time.

I got to thinking about this in the vein of cycles. You buy to feel good. Then you feel bad so you buy. It is one huge, overbearing process. It has its ups and downs and it isn’t all bad. This, of course, became an extension of looking at unhealthy relationships. Cycles, processes, ups and downs.

Many advocates talk about abusive relationships in context of cycles. You may have heard of the tension building, the violent, and the honeymoon phases. These have their place in discussing intimate partner violence but they don’t necessarily cover the range of experiences that can be had in relationships, either. Not all unhealthy situations are abusive, either. It would be unfair to suggest that they are. Codependency, for instance, isn’t abusive but is nonetheless unhealthy. Regardless, these sorts of events often present in patterns and it becomes very difficult to break away.

Many people don’t realize they’ve ended up in unhealthy situations immediately precisely because their relationships have good sides as well as bad. Once the bad sides emerge, many people also think they don’t deserve better or that it’s expected that they will be treated poorly. The data on why people have these beliefs is very limited. Obviously it can be tied to many factors, ranging from education to poor self-esteem.

So how do we teach healthy relationship behaviors? With patience and loving reassurance. Sharing with younger generations is important. Involving teenagers in discussions about healthy dating before they go out with someone is vital. Talking to younger kids about the respect they and their bodies deserve is a must. It’s also necessary to engage in discussions with adults. This includes individuals and communities. Having the conversation about how people should be treated extends beyond the intimate partner relationship because our communities are affected when we lack understanding of how to healthfully engage.

Once upon a time I was with a man who treated me poorly. He made me feel dirty and worthless by telling me I was crazy and awful. He hit me and kept me ignorantly clinging on because he would also say nice things about my physical appearance and intelligence. I’ve always suspected he had suffered problems of his own before we met and thus thrust his anger and hurt at me. I believed I didn’t deserve anything better than what I got from him. In fact, with my next boyfriend I had a hard time adapting to his patience and kindness. The respectful behavior felt foreign. But eventually I learned that this was the kind of relationship and respect I not only deserved but wanted.

It takes a lot, sometimes, to overcome our collective missteps and encourage our communities to seek healthier alternatives but it can certainly be done with hope and patience, love and time. I always wish for this kind of peace at this time of year but I’m willing to work to make it happen, too.

Waitress: Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships

I do wish I had a pie chart. (I’m not without a sense of humor. See?)

My sister recommended that I watch Waitress. She lent me the DVD and told me Kerri Russell and Nathan Fillion were both fantastic in it and that she loved the movie. These things all being true (Kerri Russell and Nathan Fillion are both fantastic in it and obviously my sister loves it) I had an insanely difficult time watching it. Jenna and Earl’s relationship (Earl not being portrayed by Nathan Fillion but rather by Jeremy Sisto) is a fairly realistic portrayal of intimate partner violence. He’s demanding but apologetic, he’s violent but recedes. He tells her he loves her but threatens her and manipulates her. He takes advantage and she makes plans to run away.

Realistic portrayals of abuse in media are important because too often films and television shows insist on showing us bruises and marks to demonstrate violence. While there is some of that in Waitress the ultimate purpose of it is to show one more layer in an abusive scenario. The language, the manipulation, the forced isolation and limiting of social behavior are all pieces of the abuse as well. These are things that don’t get talked about as frequently as the elements of physical violence. I’ve always imagined this is because it’s easier to see damage done to the body. I’m not going to philosophize too much on it.

There was a man in college whom I never dated but who was ostensibly my friend. He spent weeks (months, even) manipulating me through emotional violence. Realizing that this is only one piece of the story that led to my black window, you may possibly wonder why this is one of the things I’m sharing. It has to do with the fact that emotional violence and manipulation are frequently dismissed or ignored as being “something everybody goes through” or “not real abuse.” They are abusive behaviors, though. This particular person made me feel so bad about myself through his language and attempts to isolate and take advantage of me. I’m not going to share more details at this time but suffice it to say he treated me unfairly. I imagine putting that set of behavior into a pure dating context and having someone ignore my struggle. It’s terrifying to consider how frequently this happens to people every day.

Healthy relationships are ones that nurture both partners and are based on equality. Love is Respect has a great starter kit on what a healthy relationship looks like. They also offer information on potential red flag warning signs of abusive behavior. Among those things are “Isolating you from family or friends” and “Telling you what to do” which are high scorers in the manipulation category and not inline with healthy relationship behavior. I emphasize the need for healthy relationships and healthy relationship education because it is often overlooked. It’s promising to focus on the prevention. It’s also good to know that we can work towards healthy relationships even in the midst of violence.