World Suicide Prevention Day 2013

 

In my youth I struggled with suicidal impulse, particularly after abuse caused me to feel lost, hopeless, and worthless.  One afternoon, not long after my 21st birthday, I went walking near my home and staked out the best places to die. This incredibly morbid activity was further fueled by the presence of my camera. The picture you see to the right is one I actually took on that day, albeit after getting back in my car.  My feelings of despair had grown so prominent that I wanted to ensure that I’d recall the exact right spot for my next visit.

Fortunately, by the time I got home I found myself in slightly better spirits and managed to push aside the thoughts of ending my life long enough to regain perspective and start working on some of my negative feelings.  The dark time was not obliterated and I spent the next few months trying very, very hard to fight back against the consuming depression that flooded my life.

Certainly I knew there were resources out there, such as therapists and support groups but I eschewed them all because I wanted to cling to my self-image of “toughness” and “independence.” I was convinced that seeking external assistance would render me weak. What I didn’t realize in my stress-addled time was the fact that my toughness and independence were the very tools I needed to survive, but that they had to be channeled through a refining process. This process, of course, was seeking out help. I didn’t do it when I was younger and though I kept thoughts of suicide at bay when depressed, my quality of life deteriorated each time a new episode of difficulty cropped up.  I wish I had believed enough in myself to talk to someone much earlier than I did.

For me, the vast majority of my darkness comes from PTSD, from intrusive memories (both physical and mental) that set up bad feedback loops.  PTSD is a well-known risk amongst combat veterans and the increasing number of deaths due to suicide in veterans diagnosed with PTSD is heartwrenching.  Less understood is PTSD amongst abuse survivors but it’s a very real concern. There are also many, many other reasons that individuals consider suicide but exposure to violence and abuse greatly increase the chance that a survivor will attempt suicide at some point in his or her life. (There’s even a new finding that drug users with histories of child abuse are at an even greater risk of suicidality.)  There were 38, 364 suicides reported in the United States in 2010.  It is one of the top ten leading causes of death and so often it can be prevented.

We are approaching September 10, which is World Suicide Prevention Day. Advocacy days are largely about creating awareness rather than deep engagement and that’s okay. Awareness breeds action. Taking the time to educate is vital.  On the above linked page there are facts, figures, charts, and other informative publications that can be perused.  And hop over to Take 5 To Save Lives to see 5 easy things you can do to help stop suicide.

I have encountered the need to use these resources in my advocacy work and the most important piece of advice I can offer is: be willing to listen without judgment when someone tells you he/she is thinking of suicide.  It is not uncommon to hear that someone has considered suicide. Don’t panic but also know your own limits and know when to direct someone to other support or to call in other experts. You can use Suicide Hotlines to locate a local resource for someone, or for yourself.  There is also the national hotline for the United States. (If you need resources in other countries, those are available as well via this fabulous website.) 

 It’s a lot easier to offer perspective on a bad time when you’ve gotten through it so I try very, very hard not to make it seem that I am minimizing others’ struggles. My own were very difficult at times and I do not presume to have the market cornered on difficult experiences. All I know is that I came through my own bleakness with a lot of hard days and with the help of many others who were willing to guide and support me as I grew stronger and less unhappy.

To the left you can see a picture I took years later when I returned to the same general area I visited when I first seriously considered suicide. This time I was enjoying a gorgeous walk in the woods when I discovered that there were stairs. It seems trite to put it into symbolic terms like this but those stairs were my path up to other things, quite literally, and I couldn’t help but think about the difference in thinking, from wanting to hurtle down to wanting to walk up.  I don’t for a moment truly regret being alive. I just hope my experiences can help someone else.

Join the World Suicide Prevention Facebook page here. (This page is not affiliated with The Black Window.)

Community Engagement for Healthy Relationships

I’ve very much been meaning to share more but it seems even without small children and extended obligation, the Thanksgiving to Christmas season eats up your time.

American society glances at November and December with a consumerist eye, constantly ready to suggest a new gadget or product or service that will enhance holiday time itself as well as life beyond. If you buy it, you’ll feel happier. You very well may, too, but the good and warm emotions fade away for most people over time.

I got to thinking about this in the vein of cycles. You buy to feel good. Then you feel bad so you buy. It is one huge, overbearing process. It has its ups and downs and it isn’t all bad. This, of course, became an extension of looking at unhealthy relationships. Cycles, processes, ups and downs.

Many advocates talk about abusive relationships in context of cycles. You may have heard of the tension building, the violent, and the honeymoon phases. These have their place in discussing intimate partner violence but they don’t necessarily cover the range of experiences that can be had in relationships, either. Not all unhealthy situations are abusive, either. It would be unfair to suggest that they are. Codependency, for instance, isn’t abusive but is nonetheless unhealthy. Regardless, these sorts of events often present in patterns and it becomes very difficult to break away.

Many people don’t realize they’ve ended up in unhealthy situations immediately precisely because their relationships have good sides as well as bad. Once the bad sides emerge, many people also think they don’t deserve better or that it’s expected that they will be treated poorly. The data on why people have these beliefs is very limited. Obviously it can be tied to many factors, ranging from education to poor self-esteem.

So how do we teach healthy relationship behaviors? With patience and loving reassurance. Sharing with younger generations is important. Involving teenagers in discussions about healthy dating before they go out with someone is vital. Talking to younger kids about the respect they and their bodies deserve is a must. It’s also necessary to engage in discussions with adults. This includes individuals and communities. Having the conversation about how people should be treated extends beyond the intimate partner relationship because our communities are affected when we lack understanding of how to healthfully engage.

Once upon a time I was with a man who treated me poorly. He made me feel dirty and worthless by telling me I was crazy and awful. He hit me and kept me ignorantly clinging on because he would also say nice things about my physical appearance and intelligence. I’ve always suspected he had suffered problems of his own before we met and thus thrust his anger and hurt at me. I believed I didn’t deserve anything better than what I got from him. In fact, with my next boyfriend I had a hard time adapting to his patience and kindness. The respectful behavior felt foreign. But eventually I learned that this was the kind of relationship and respect I not only deserved but wanted.

It takes a lot, sometimes, to overcome our collective missteps and encourage our communities to seek healthier alternatives but it can certainly be done with hope and patience, love and time. I always wish for this kind of peace at this time of year but I’m willing to work to make it happen, too.

Empowerment

A big word in the advocacy circle is “empowerment.”

Apparently it doesn’t actually translate into a lot of non-English languages very well, which sometimes makes it difficult to communicate the concepts behind it. Actually, sometimes it’s hard to communicate the very widespread meanings of “empower” to those who do speak English. So it’s a little hard to express why the Red Riding Hood Project speaks to my thoughts on what empowerment should be.

Reclamation of terminology is a small part of a much bigger picture, which is very attitudinal.  Persistence of sexual assault and interpersonal violence is the result of attitudes.  If you think you’re right to attack someone else or have the right to exert power over another human being in an intimate setting, you are displaying an attitude that says you think interpersonal violence and abuse are okay. When this sort of belief filters through society we can end up with a culture that fails to understand the full implications of abuse.

With this week’s frustrating media discussion of so-called “legitimate rape” and mistaken beliefs, it’s hard not to get caught up in looking for ways to educate and change the world. (Personally I choose to believe that Todd Akin’s comments, though horribly, horribly insensitive are the result of misinformation and can be corrected with education. If I didn’t believe this, it might be hard to remain involved in advocacy.) This is why empowerment is so important. Rape is a scary topic. It’s hard and heartbreaking to discuss.  Sexual assault is life-altering, frightening, and is not something we like to think about, even if we are survivors or working to aid survivors.  But not talking about it means that we allow mistaken beliefs and ideas to pervade our culture.

Empowerment isn’t just about helping survivors reclaim their lives, bodies, and minds, but also about proactively claiming those rights of self. Slut Walks have taken place all over North America to show that what one wears is not a license or an excuse for a perpetrator to attack. Education programs in schools about healthy relationships and dating teach kids about respect– their respect for others but also respect for themselves and an awareness of how to express what they want and how they want to be treated.  I’m proud of media campaigns, especially those utilizing social media and viral marketing, that sound bite just enough to get people interested in change.

Everybody is affected by sexual assault. In the wake of the media controversies this week, I looked into the way that RAINN defines rape. As Jezebel summarized:

“forced sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal, or oral penetration. Penetration may be by a body part or an object.” To clarify: “Rape victims may be forced through threats or physical means. In about 8 out of 10 rapes, no weapon is used other than physical force. Anyone may be a victim of rape: women, men or children, straight or gay.”

In other words, it doesn’t know boundaries. Interpersonal violence knows no bounds. Rape is rape. And the trauma and after effects don’t necessarily end only with survivors. Consider the difficulties of a family member trying to cope with a loved one’s assault.  Or of the costs to the criminal justice system. Think about the generations of people who will continue to grow up in a world where sexual assault exists as a pervasive problem. It’s wrenching to consider. Most advocates in this field hope that they’re literally working themselves out of a job… that one day the need for their work will dissipate because interpersonal violence will cease. It’s a noble goal and in order for us to be empowered to do that, we have to thoroughly examine the systemic issues that make violence so ubiquitous.