Safety Planning

People who are experiencing relationship violence can make a safety plan whether they choose to stay in or choose to leave the relationship.  If you are an advocate working with a client, make sure he/she feels safe and comfortable before discussing how to develop a strategy:

• Can the client talk right now? Is it safe to talk?
• Does he/she want to work on a safety plan?
• Are all considerations being discussed, e.g. does the client have any special needs or concerns that should be explored?
• Does the client understand the safety plan he/she created? Can it be followed even in a moment of crisis?

Technology and internet safety planning are vital.  With the ubiquity of GPS-enabled devices (smartphones, tablets, and cars) it’s very important to be aware of how devices work and what can be done to create an additional level of protection with them.

There are a number of states and localities with anti-violence projects. These are coalitions and agencies which connect to stop violence against people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, or queer.  As an advocate I’ve worked with many people who have reported violence in a variety of relationship circumstances. While nobody should ever have to experience intimate partner violence, many people who are in same-sex relationships face additional social and life challenges as a result of abuse.  These should be considered in creating a safety plan.

Also, remember when working with clients, to emphasize that they are not at fault for the abuse they suffer. Abuse is always someone else’s decision and actions. The same can be said for providing support for friends and family. Safety planning is a tool to help those who suffer injustice; not a means to make them feel responsible for abuse.

Staying

Why do we ask victims Why do you stay? Why don’t we ask abusers why do you abuse? 

Anti-violence advocates frequently engage in this dialogue. I understand why, as I’ve asked the questions myself.  We don’t want to victim-blame.  We sometimes want to focus our frustration at the people who actually do the hurting.

Yet, had no one ever asked why do you stay we would not have any understanding of the reasons and complications that make it hard or impossible to leave an abusive situation.  Much as I would advocate that we should very definitely ask abusers why do you abuse, I think we should ask the question. Of course, it should be a fact-finding mission, not one set up to incite blame or pressure.

What this means is that we really need to listen to people who report violence. We need to be present, focused, and aware of what they’re telling us. Maybe the information about why they can’t leave or don’t leave is already in the conversation we’re having. Think of how these sort of questions might be answered in an advocate’s conversation with a client (even if the questions themselves are never asked) Does she threaten your children? Does he say he’ll harm your pets if you go? Do you lack finances to be out on your own? Do you feel like you don’t actually deserve any better? 

I happened to come upon a link to a discussion about this subject and found it interesting how people responded to the original poster. The discussion seems to be more about understanding what actually constitutes violence than specifically about the reasons people stay. Still, I’m glad people are talking about the difficult subject.

Partners in Prevention

I am resharing this post from Fem2pt0 for DVAM.

Breaking the Cycle: Standing Up Against Domestic Violence

 

Touchy Issues

The rest of my life will involve thinking about touch. This suspicion isn’t a purely pessimistic outlook; I’m hurt by my past and even with serious progress in healing I can’t blot out things that have happened.

Recently I lamented the fact that I always think before hugging someone. There is no automatic physical response, no reaching out for a back pat or embrace, and certainly no easy path to cuddling with another human being. I always, always, always experience a process before I’m able to put my hands out and touch somebody. Do I have their consent? Am I okay with it? What will be the ramifications? How long should the touching last? What kind of touching should I do? Should it be a hug, a pat, a stroke? It sounds complicated and perhaps it is overly convoluted but in my head it lasts about 10-30 seconds most of the time. (There are periods when this number goes up but it never really gets any smaller.) I wasn’t always like this, either, and I think that’s what makes me feel sad. At the very least I’m wistful for a time when I could hug a friend in a moment of crisis without debating it first.

Naturally my problems with touching are trauma-induced. I understand that. What I don’t always understand is why I can’t just rewind to a self that existed prior to the trauma. Logically I know I shouldn’t push myself. My therapy is to work through the difficulties in safety and not to punish myself for being unable to get to a point that is arbitrarily defined.

Last year I read Wendy Maltz’s Sexual Healing Journey. If you’re looking for a guide to dealing with touching and physical intimacy in relationships, it’s a very helpful book. Unfortunately, there seems to be a paucity of material out there for those of us who are concerned with a more general repair of our ability to be physical creatures. I’ll jump if someone touches me on the shoulder, which isn’t abnormal, but if someone reaches out to hug me, I can feel my pulse through my skull. My hands ball up. My stomach turns. I start to feel completely ill and trapped. I have to have a lot of warning to be okay with touching and even with trusted friends I sometimes have difficulty with their hugging me.

My PTSD symptoms have lessened in this arena in the last two years but I still need to keep going through it. So my current work involves the following:

• Trusting my own good judgment. Sometimes I don’t want to hug or to be hugged. And it’s okay that this is the case. I’m allowed to say that I don’t want a hug right now.
• “Practicing” hugging in safe spaces with friends who consent to it and who respect my own boundaries.
• Writing down/journaling about any severe reactions that are negative and trying to pinpoint what the issue is. Also noting any times when I find myself feeling particularly good afterward.

Proclamation

Read this year’s Presidential Proclamation of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month – Inaugural Media

It’s officially Domestic Violence Awareness Month once again.

Annually there seems to be a debate on whether October is actually a good month for DVAM since it’s often overshadowed by Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Some organizations conflate BCAM and DVAM as part of a larger “Women’s Health” effort. I think this ignores the fact that domestic violence knows no boundaries in terms of whom it will affect. It goes so far as to harm our communities at the core when it remains unaddressed. (Consequently, men can suffer from breast cancer as well, though only approximately 1% of breast cancer occurs in males.) I don’t think DVAM and the BCAM must exist in separate months but I do think the purple ribbon needs more attention than it gets.

I’m happy to see a small collection of anti-abuse PSAs honored on the Huffington Post. One of them I’ve seen before (and noted previously in this blog), which is the Don’t Cover it Up campaign video. The other highlighted videos are a music video from Canadian artists and a PSA spearheaded by Vice President Joe Biden. All are worth watching.

The common link here is The Hotline. It is a way for those who are being abused to get help and to seek out help for those who are being abused.

During this month of awareness I strongly encourage you to read up on statistics related to domestic violence so you can better educate those in your community. Unfortunately, as Joe Biden’s PSA says “1 is 2 many.” The more awareness that is created, the greater the chance of stopping the violence.