I’ve very much been meaning to share more but it seems even without small children and extended obligation, the Thanksgiving to Christmas season eats up your time.
American society glances at November and December with a consumerist eye, constantly ready to suggest a new gadget or product or service that will enhance holiday time itself as well as life beyond. If you buy it, you’ll feel happier. You very well may, too, but the good and warm emotions fade away for most people over time.
I got to thinking about this in the vein of cycles. You buy to feel good. Then you feel bad so you buy. It is one huge, overbearing process. It has its ups and downs and it isn’t all bad. This, of course, became an extension of looking at unhealthy relationships. Cycles, processes, ups and downs.
Many advocates talk about abusive relationships in context of cycles. You may have heard of the tension building, the violent, and the honeymoon phases. These have their place in discussing intimate partner violence but they don’t necessarily cover the range of experiences that can be had in relationships, either. Not all unhealthy situations are abusive, either. It would be unfair to suggest that they are. Codependency, for instance, isn’t abusive but is nonetheless unhealthy. Regardless, these sorts of events often present in patterns and it becomes very difficult to break away.
Many people don’t realize they’ve ended up in unhealthy situations immediately precisely because their relationships have good sides as well as bad. Once the bad sides emerge, many people also think they don’t deserve better or that it’s expected that they will be treated poorly. The data on why people have these beliefs is very limited. Obviously it can be tied to many factors, ranging from education to poor self-esteem.
So how do we teach healthy relationship behaviors? With patience and loving reassurance. Sharing with younger generations is important. Involving teenagers in discussions about healthy dating before they go out with someone is vital. Talking to younger kids about the respect they and their bodies deserve is a must. It’s also necessary to engage in discussions with adults. This includes individuals and communities. Having the conversation about how people should be treated extends beyond the intimate partner relationship because our communities are affected when we lack understanding of how to healthfully engage.
Once upon a time I was with a man who treated me poorly. He made me feel dirty and worthless by telling me I was crazy and awful. He hit me and kept me ignorantly clinging on because he would also say nice things about my physical appearance and intelligence. I’ve always suspected he had suffered problems of his own before we met and thus thrust his anger and hurt at me. I believed I didn’t deserve anything better than what I got from him. In fact, with my next boyfriend I had a hard time adapting to his patience and kindness. The respectful behavior felt foreign. But eventually I learned that this was the kind of relationship and respect I not only deserved but wanted.
It takes a lot, sometimes, to overcome our collective missteps and encourage our communities to seek healthier alternatives but it can certainly be done with hope and patience, love and time. I always wish for this kind of peace at this time of year but I’m willing to work to make it happen, too.
the black window 